What’s So Special About Me?

Can you describe your authentic self?  Do you even know what it means to be your authentic self?  Your authentic self is the real you; the genuine you; the spontaneous and free version of you.  There are many contributing factors from your history that may have prevented you from being your true, authentic self.  So, what do you think?  Do you know your innate, authentic self?

Try listing the qualities of your authentic, true self.  For example, here are some of my authentic qualities:  outgoing, welcoming, encouraging, inviting, open-minded, creative and expressive.  However, in my history I was shamed for many of these qualities.  I was taught that I was too much; that my personality was too big.

Therefore, throughout the years I have struggled to discover who I most authentically am and to learn to accept these parts of myself.  For example, on a scale of outgoingness I am at the very high end.  I have slowly learned to enjoy and embrace this aspect of me.  And, as I have aged I have learned how to monitor my energy by paying attention to social and cultural clues.  Many are intimidated by my strong personality qualities and I am much more accepting of this truth now.

Most important is to identify and take ownership of your authentic self.  If you are not clear, I encourage you to take time to learn about these aspects.  Without this self-awareness I don’t believe you truly can be happy and free.  You may have similarities to others and yet you are uniquely you!  I encourage you to discover and embrace your own special qualities.  Next is to surrounding yourself with close people that accept, embrace and love you for your authentic self.

Examine your most significant relationships.  Is your authentic self encouraged, accepted, appreciated and celebrated by these people? Or do you often feel put down, shamed or judged?  Do you tend to adjust yourself by trying to accommodate the other person so they will accept you?   This person could be your partner, parent, sibling etc.  In effect, you are basically denying and shaming your essence.  If this continues for too long you may forget who you really are.  Burying your authentic self is a form of self-abuse.  This self-denial and neglect often causes one to feel depressed.

 

I encourage you to save yourself.  Start remembering who you really are.  If you don’t know, get some help.  As you dig your true self out from the grave you will come back to life.  Then slowly you can figure out how to be your genuine self in your relationships.  If you find that being who you really are with those closest to you brings great fear, that is normal.  Seek support from wise people who can help you begin to take risks or set boundaries in those relationships.  Never dim your light for someone else.  Your light not only blesses others it ignites your soul!  Shine your brightest!

 

 

What’s Wrong With Some Constructive Criticism Anyway?

What do you think it is about that most of us find it hard to focus on what is positive about our behavior or the behavior of another?  It seems that “constructive criticism” or “advice giving” tends to triumph above noticing what we or the other did well.  I would truly love to hear your thoughts on why you think this is often the case!  Do you find that pointing out what others could do better and what you didn’t do as good as you could have is your tendency?   If so you are not alone.

Here is my challenge:  for the next week I want you to write down three positive things about yourself each day.  If that is too difficult then you can write three positive things that happened in your day.  Notice what this exercise is like for you.  At the end of the week I invite you to journal about the experience.  Part two of the challenge is try and be conscious of acknowledging a positive trait or behavior that another did.  Be more on purpose about noticing what the other is doing correctly or something about the other that you want to compliment and/or encourage.  Then at the end of the week write down what that was like for you.

I can pretty much guarantee that if you are in need of judgment and criticism it is easily available probably in many facets of life.  And most of us tend to be our own worst enemy so I am assuming that a little focus on what is good and positive will not hurt anyone too much!  So why not just try it!

The two most impactful mentors in my life both used this approach.  One was my first boss when I was just 22 years old:   Linda.  She found a way to see the many creative qualities I possessed and focused on those more so than the many other aspects of my personality that had a long way to go to reach maturity!

The greatest example of this is my mentor, training, supervisor, and teacher:  Dr. Nina Garci.  Dr. Garci has been my primary training in the area of psychodrama since 1993.  Psychodrama is a very detailed and complex approach to working with clients.  From the first time I directed a psychodrama to current she always pointed out what she liked about what I did!  I have never experienced anything like it!  I became a wonderful psychodramatist without an ounce of correction!!!  Yes, there was years of training where I was taught intellectually and in practice how to be a good director, so there was instruction; just never pointed out all I did wrong, just what I did right.

That may leave you with a lot of “yes, but…” questions.  I am not saying that you too do it just as Dr. Garci did.  However, I am suggesting that focusing more on the positive truths will most likely serve all of us better.

How Do You Compare Yourself to Others?

How many of you are willing to admit that you compare yourself to others in one way or another? I am pretty sure that most of us have done this at some time in our lives if not still. Sometimes I think it can happen so automatically that we may not even realize we are doing it. It is as if we are just so accustomed to it that it seems normal. Do any of you relate?

Essentially it seems to be a form of competition. I am sure this historically stems far back in our history and would be an interesting study, however for the sake of this blog I will just put this truth out there and you can research it on your own. Sadly, today we as a culture carry this generational issue with us in our families, society, education, occupation and relationships of all kinds.

I was pondering the beginnings of this comparing one against another in our own lives. Think back to your childhood. How were you doing this then? Did you have many siblings? That comparison can start right in your own home. Maybe one sibling received better grades than you. Maybe you thought one was prettier. I won’t venture into how parents may contribute, however, I know the comparisons often starts in our own family unit; intentional or not.

In my family I was the oldest with a sibling that was four years younger than me. I was naturally athletically gifted; all genetics. I also had opportunity given to me to use those gifts. I tended to be good at whatever I tried athletically. I was also naturally outgoing. My sibling on the other hand was not naturally athletic and did not have a naturally outgoing personality. The reasons for his comparison to me are many, some natural being that I was the older sibling. Sadly, he didn’t have help identifying his strengths and finding his special gifts.

Then there are the wonderful school ages. Comparisons start early. From clothes you wear to how you look to who your friends are, etc. These travel throughout middle school, high school and into higher education. Assuming one survives those times you then continue this pattern into your adult life. How do you do this in your life today?

I believe changing this tendency of comparing oneself to others takes intentional mental focus. It won’t decrease just because you don’t like it. Most importantly is to become aware that you are doing it. Even if nothing else, that is a significant start in interrupting this automatic process.

I have many creative ideas on how to alter this habit once you are consciously recognizing it, however, for the sake of limiting the length of this entry I will recommend that once you recognize that you are comparing yourself then take a moment and write a reframe or an affirmation. It may be “My name is Nancy not Sue and three things that are special about me are…” This redirects you back to yourself and the positive truths about you. In summary, start recognizing when you are doing this and then shift the comparison to reminding yourself to focus on you and your positive qualities.

What Is Your Athentic Self?

Can you describe your authentic self? Do you know what it even means to be your authentic self? Your authentic self is the real you; the genuine you. There are many contributing factors from your history that could have prevented you from being your true, authentic self. So, what do you think? Do you know your innate, authentic self?

Try listing the qualities of your authentic, true self. For example, here are some of my authentic qualities: outgoing, welcoming, encouraging, inviting, open-minded, loves being in groups, expressive. These are just some. However, in my history I was shamed for many of these qualities. I was taught that I was too much; that my personality was too big.

Therefore, throughout the years I have struggled to be whom I most authentically am and to learn to accept these parts of myself. On the scale of outgoing I am at the very high end. As I have aged I have learned how to honor who I am within the bounds of society and others. Many are intimidated by my strong personality qualities.

Most important is to identify and take ownership of your authentic self. If you are not sure, I encourage you to take time to learn. Without this I don’t believe you or I can be truly happy and free. Next is surrounding yourself with people close to you that accept, embrace and love you for your authentic self.

If in your most significant relationships your authentic self is not accepted; is put down or shamed and you adjust yourself; you try to accommodate the other for acceptance this will have a very adverse effect on you. This person could be your partner, parent, sibling etc. In effect, you are basically denying and shaming your essence. If this continues for too long you may forget who you really are. Burying your authentic self is a form of dying; death. In turn produces depression.

I encourage you to save yourself. Start remembering who you really are. If you don’t know, get some help. As you dig your true self out from the grave you will come back to life. Then slowly you can figure out how to be your genuine self in your relationships. If you find that being who you really are with those closest to you brings great fear, that is normal. Seek support from wise people who can help you begin to take risks or set boundaries in those relationships. Never dim your light for someone else. Shine your brightest!

What Are The Voices Inside Your Head Telling You?

I encourage you to take a moment each morning and check in with your mind. Being aware of your thoughts is essential for feeling better in your life. Check in with the thoughts that are traveling around inside your head. Take notice. Each of us have chattering going on inside our heads and if you don’t pay attention to this chatter you may not be aware how much it may be hurting you. I encourage you to find a system of paying attention to your thoughts instead of letting them be on automatic pilot.
One of my favorite ways of helping people do this is to have them set the timer on their watch or cell phone to go off every one-half hour or one time per hour. The alarm will interrupt your routine. When the alarm goes off I want you to take a brief moment and listen to your thoughts. Notice if your thoughts or more critical or more nurturing. Even if all you do is notice, it will have impact. The second part of this is to replace the critical with something more positive. I don’t care if you believe the statement just try it out. Don’t over analyze this, just do it. Then move on with your day. If when you check in and your thoughts seems neutral or positive then affirm that thought, “It is nice to be patient with myself.” Then repeat the same when the alarm goes off again. This whole exercise takes around 10-15 seconds.
The goal is to adjust your thought so they project you in a positive direction? However, being aware of your thoughts so you can correct them is imperative to achieving this goal. Your thoughts have great power and provide energy to your day, your week, your life. Take a moment and be aware of whether these thoughts are in alignment with how you want your day to go. I encourage you to alter any thoughts that do not serve your highest good. If you do not take time to pay attention and change these thoughts, they will have the potential to unknowingly drag you down.
It is important not to minimize the power of your thoughts. I invite you to remember this truth. The truth being that you are good. That at heart you are good and have good intentions. Allow yourself to think thoughts that honor this truth about you. Allow yourself to have confidence in your ability. Give yourself the encouragement and motivation you need. Even one kind word to yourself can shift the energy within you and the energy that you send forth. Be on your own side.

What Are Your Personal Gifts?

For many of us this time of the year is a time of gift giving and all that entails. And this thought about gifts brings to my mind the concept of taking time to identify and claim our own personal gifts. Possible this is something you have already done and are aware of and you can name these gifts and are already utilizing your gifts.

However, I am cognizant that for some of you it is difficult for you to acknowledge your own good and your many talents and gifts. So I implore you this holiday to allow this to be the gift you give yourself: taking time to time to identify some of your unique personal gifts.

Personal gifts fall on a broad spectrum. Possibly one of your gifts is that you are very creative or crafty. I have many personal friends who are so creative with just about anything. They can turn a box top or old can into a fantastic gift. Your personal gift may be that you are very welcoming and attentive to others. Maybe you are an exceptional hostess. Or perhaps you are very intelligence. Or maybe you are good at fixing just about anything.

The range of personal gifts is so broad that I cannot name them all here. I will tell you that personal gifts are not always tangible like the creative or mechanically gifted. Many personal gifts are ones we cannot see or touch; like one who is very intuitive.

So for instance, I believe that one of my personal gifts is that I am extremely social; I am a strong people person. And when I don’t use that gift it adversely affects me. My mood and energy is better when I am actively engaging in my personal gift. This gift is something I was born with and needs to be honored.

I want you to think about personal gifts as more than just what you can do; but more of who you are. I hope you will take time to name some of your personal gifts. And as you do this notice how you feel as you name them. And as you name them I invite you to claim these as authentically yours. I encourage you to examine yourself and ask yourself “How often am I using my personal gifts?” The more you engage on daily basis with your personal gifts the happier you will be.

Is It Ok To Love All Of Me?

Self-love; most of us have heard this concept, but what is it really? You must love yourself before you can truly love someone else. How many times have you heard that one? But, what is this whole self-love thing? Does it mean that you should always praise, adore and shower yourself with gifts? Does it mean you think everything you do and say is wonderful? What connotations come to your mind when you think of self-love?

Here are some things I do know. We are not perfect. We are all human which means we all have human frailties. We all make mistakes. Mistakes are part of the way we learn. So, self-love is not about being perfect or performing perfectly. Self-love is more about accepting our imperfections and being compassionate about the fact of that we can and do make mistakes. Acknowledging that even though we make mistakes we are still ‘good’ is essential. The more you can accept that you are imperfect and yet still good, the more you will feel love and compassion towards yourself.

Self-love is about grasping that your essence is good. It is accepting that you are light, even though sometimes you feel dark. Accepting the ‘whole’ of you is a part of spiritual maturity. Learning to be gracious towards yourself in your non-perfect form is essential. Self-love is a consistent commitment to remembering who your authentic self is: good. Not perfect, but good. Your acknowledgement of your light and attention to your good is what helps to manage the dark.

For many this concept of being ‘good’ in essence is difficult to accept. It is during our very young formative years that our self-concept is formed. Our primary caretakers and other important people in our young lives lay the foundation of our beliefs about our self. At these young vulnerable years we are innocent to this indoctrination. If your caretakers mirrored negative, harmful, critical messages, then those are what you took on as true; whether consciously or unconsciously.

If you have trouble absorbing the concept of you being essentially ‘good’ then maybe your younger learning’s were more negative and are subconsciously still controlling your beliefs about yourself. The good news is that you weren’t born with these negative opinions. You can learn to bring these negative messages to your conscious mind and begin to correct them. It is an involved process that requires being very intentional. However, you can change your beliefs about yourself and slowly, consistently learn to belief the truth: that at your core you are good!

The Toxic Emotion of Shame!

The last topic in this four part series is about Shame. Shame serves no good purpose. Shame is very different than guilt. No longer is one focusing on a behavior, shame is when you tell yourself that you are bad, defective and simply no good. Shame is turned inward as a negative emotional self- berating. Shame makes guilt and regret very complicated and difficult to overcome. When you are enmeshed in your shame you are no longer able to focus on a behavior or loss you are experiencing. Instead you are turning that shame unto yourself and focusing on the fact that you feel defective at the core of your being. Someone who feels shame knows how hurtful and debilitating it is.

It is my understanding that shame usually originates from earlier life experiences. Often this occurs in the younger stages of development, hence why it seems so true to your core beliefs. Shame is a learned response one formed in their impressionable years. So shame tends to have such negative impact on you because it is not about the here and now, but was formed in the then and there.

If shame is something you feel often, I strongly encourage you to address the issues on a conscious level. When you bring this toxic feeling to your awareness, then you have the opportunity to begin to heal it. If you keep this at the subconscious level then you can’t change. Often you will need to work with a professional to change this level of injury.

If you are able to identify shame and bring it to your awareness then you are beginning to take responsibility of healing and correcting these incorrect messages you have learned. My encouragement is as you begin to identify the shame then you start initiating some cognitive corrections. Even though at a deep level you may still believe the shame message, start creating corrections; corrections are what you would prefer to tell yourself. In the beginning you don’t have to believe them, you just need to practice saying them anyway.

Some examples of corrections are “I am not perfect and that is ok;” “I know my intentions are good;” “I am a person of value.” These are just some examples. Just taking the time to think of some corrections is a huge start in the battle of minimizing that shame voice within. You didn’t come out of the womb with these shameful feelings, so in a way you took them on via important people in your life. Even though you took these believes on at a subconscious level you did have a part in it. To me that suggests you can have a conscious part in correcting them and learning different core beliefs about yourself!

Do You Have Any Regrets?

This week I will be shifting from writing about guilt to addressing the topic of regrets. Regrets are very similar to guilt however I see regret as more of a type of loss. I regret something I didn’t do or that I wish I would have done. For example, I might regret not going to my cousin’s wedding. I regret that I never visited my Aunt before she died or I regret that I didn’t provide my kids with more of a religious upbringing. So it doesn’t have the same flair as guilt. I think regret is more of a feeling of loss; a type of reflection.

I understand now how being aware of regrets is a natural process in the later stages of development as one is looking back over their life and evaluating. And so it is useful to be proactive in your choices on a daily basis so that you have less feelings of regret as you approach the later years in life.

And as with any type of loss, regret being one form, it is important to address the feelings the loss brings to you. My encouragement with any sense of regret you may have is to examine the regret in a very honest, productive fashion. If one of your regrets is something that you feel strongly about I find the best way to heal is to have compassion with yourself. A way of having compassion with yourself is to have an understanding of what was going on in your life at that time so that you better understand the choices you did make. Instead of lingering in the feeling of regret have some compassion as to your circumstances at the time and wrap the feeling of regret up in that understanding.

Also, begin to shift your focus onto the now. The positive things in the now that you are doing. The productive actions and choices you are making today. Live more in the moment. Choose to be more of the person you want to me today. Stay mindful of your purpose and your values and let them direct your life. No need to create any new regrets!

Pay Attention to Your Self-Talk

The messages you tell yourself are the essence of your self-talk. What is self-talk? Self-talk is the internal conversations you have with yourself. Everyone has this internal dialogue, but not everyone is aware of how he or she is talking to himself or herself. Be aware of your self-talk throughout your day. Try and notice if it is positive or negative. Pay attention to your thoughts.
If your self-talk is negative, it will be disempowering to you. If your self-talk is positive, it will empower you. Too simple? This statement is a true statement, but positive self-talk is not always easy to attain. Changing our internal beliefs takes time. These beliefs weren’t usually created overnight. You have probably had some of these beliefs about yourself for most of your life. So be patient with the process of changing them.
I encourage you to take a moment every hour and notice what you are thinking. Is it positive or negative? Make a mental note and then go on for another hour. The goal here is to help you start paying attention. Most people are not aware of how they are talking to themselves.
A creative and effective way to do this is to use a wristwatch that has an alarm feature. Set the alarm to alert you every hour. Or, use your alarm on your cell phone. The sound of the alarm will be your reminder to check in with your thoughts. Notice if you are being positive or negative. Don’t judge yourself, just notice. This is a great way to help you start paying attention to what you are thinking. As you get used to paying attention to your thoughts, the goal will be to change any negative thought to a positive one.