From the last blog I had a reader express interest in me writing about guilt, regrets and how to get over these feelings. These are topics I haven’t written much about in blog form so I am excited to do so. I decided this topic will need to be covered in a series of blogs. For today I want to talk about the difference between guilt, shame and regret. Although they are very closely linked, they each have their own distinction that makes each unique in and of itself.
I know that all of us have experienced the feeling of guilt at some point in our lives, or maybe even daily. So guilt in its simplest form is when we feel bad about a something we did or did not do. It is usually about a behavior; an action we did or didn’t do. Healthy guilt is very appropriate. There are many behaviors that are very appropriate to feel guilty about, such as, stealing money from your parents, or canceling on your girlfriend so you can go out on a date. Guilt is more of a problem when it becomes unhealthy, which I will talk more about next week.
Regrets are very similar to guilt; however, I see regret more as a type of loss. I regret something that I didn’t do that I wish I would have. For example, I regret not going to Suzy and Bob’s wedding. I regret that I never visited my Aunt before she died. Or I regret I didn’t give my kids more of a religious upbringing. So it doesn’t have the same flair as guilt. It is more of a loss feeling. Again, I will go into more detail about this in a future blog, particularly how to sooth ourselves from these regrets. And as I get older I see how thinking about regrets really does occur as you age and is a normal part of the development stages of ageing.
Then there is the nasty shame word. Shame makes guilt and regret very complicated and difficult to overcome. Shame serves no good purpose at all. Shame is when we tell ourselves that we are bad. We are no longer focusing on a behavior or loss. Shame is when you turn into yourself and tell yourself that you are bad, or defective at your core. And as you can imagine or maybe you know how hurtful and often debilitating this is.
So for today I am introducing you to guilt, regret and shame. You may relate to all of these. I look forward to talking more about how we heal and cope with each. Next Monday I will talk about guilt, then regrets then shame. The goal is that each of us can free ourselves as much as possible in this lifetime.