What’s Wrong With My Lover?

romantic love
Life is an interesting journey. It seems the older we get the more twists and turns come along. For many of us finding a partner, a mate, has been our main agenda. In our younger years we assumed we would grow up and meet a wonderful mate, get married and live happily ever after! What has happened?
As we all know from the divorce rate, marriages are not doing well. Couples, whether married or not, are having trouble staying together through the many challenges life brings into their relationships. The story we always imagined for ourselves is not reading the way we had hoped.
What is going on? I want to discuss one significant issue that I believe has a great impact on our relationship’s success or failure. I often say to clients that the two greatest things we do in life are being a partner and/or being parent, yet there is no training required for either. That is amazing! The only preparation we usually have is from our family of origin and our past love relationships. I strongly believe one of the best things we can do for our relationship is to become healthier ourselves prior to getting seriously involved with someone.
So what about those of us who are already in a committed relationship, divorced, or remarried? It is never too late. Often you need to start with yourself. It’s easy to become very discouraged and negative with our significant other. While many of your complaints may be valid, the only person you have control over is you. Check out your expectations. What are they? Where did they come from? Are they realistic? I remember growing up my favorite fairytale was Cinderella! (That really set me up for failure!) Think about the music you listen to and the message it is sending you about love and what it should be like!
Often we have many of our own unmet needs. Maybe you never felt loved as a child. Maybe you never felt you were good enough for one of your parents? Consciously or unconsciously we often expect our partner to fill our voids. Often they do initially, but fall short down the road. Address the parts that are about you. Become clear on what you need to heal within yourself, and what aspects of your relationship need improvement. I understand this is often a fine line but, it is one worth exploring before you make a decision about beginning or ending a relationship. The person you have the most influence over is you! Best to look there first.

I Don’t Want to Eat My Green Beans!

vegtables
Growing up I distinctly remember my mother trying to feed me those awful vegetables. I didn’t do too well with her canned string beans or cooked carrots. Of course she explained to me how important it was for me to eat my vegetables because they have lots of vitamins and nutrition that I needed. Unfortunately her reasoning did not convince me to eat what she said was good for me.

This got me to thinking about our lives as adults and how many things we know are good for us to do, yet we don’t choose to do them. I am assuming now that we are adults that most of us understand how important it is to eat our vegetables. The majority of us logically know about many other things that are also very important to our health yet for many you don’t comply with what you know to be good for you.

Today I want to focus on your physical health and a few areas that you may struggle with doing what is good for you. An important task for us all is to attend yearly physical check-ups and other recommended preventative procedures. Although I do not want to be nor mean to be sexist, I will admit that the majority of female clients, friends, acquaintances that I have are prudent about the need to attend their yearly check-ups and take the time to attend these appointments. I am sure there are exceptions to this and for these women I encourage you to consider what may be keeping you from taking care of and responsibility for your physical health.

Many of the men I know personally, or my friends’ husbands or clients seem to have some resistance to taking time for regular yearly physicals. This is of course not true for all men, but I have witnessed it often. If you are one of these men that don’t usually see a doctor I plead with you to reconsider. Ask yourself what is stopping you. Remind yourself that prevention is always best and it is a good thing when the doctor tells you all is well!

Another essential area is our eating habits. We all know how important it is to give our bodies the fuel it needs to work most effectively. In this area I hear a lot of “I know I should but…” comments. What makes this area so hard for you? Are you eating fast food often? Buying frozen food to pop in the microwave? How is it that for so many the vehicle that moves us about in this world is often treated so badly; even neglected?

Exercise is also something that is good for us. Regular exercise is good at any age and even more important as we age. Exercise helps us cardiovascularly; assists us in keeping our muscle tone; helps our metabolism; and can improve mood. I understand that many of us have excellent reasons why it is hard to fit this into our lives. Life is very hectic. However, exercise is also good for you and needs to be incorporated into your lifestyle.

I hope that this blog today will more motivate you to take responsibility for your body overall. You are given this one body to move about on this earth and it is your job to take care of that body. The healthier your body is the better you will feel in the other areas of your life. Ignoring your body puts you at great risk of suffering unnecessarily.

What Kind of Karma Are You Creating?

Karma
Karma is a word that many of us have heard or even used ourselves. It is an interesting concept. While the meaning of Karma is more extensive than I am going to share, one simple definition by Merriam-Webster.com says that Karma is “the force created by a person’s actions that some people believe causes good or bad things to happen to people.” While some believe this Karma is transferred to future lives I will focus on our existence in this life time.

Are your actions and words creating good Karma for you? Do you feel good about how you’re leading your life? Ideally I prefer to behave in ways I feel good about. It is an honorable goal. I find it easier to do this when I am being conscious of my choices. I can more easily behave and speak in ways I want when the situation is calm and I am somewhat in control. The challenge seems to come during those other times that are unexpected, dramatic and sometimes hurtful.

I recently read a quote that said something to the effect of “How someone else behaviors with you is there Karma how you respond to them is yours.” Wow! I posted that for a while in my office as a reminder to myself. I recently had a hurtful and surprising experience happen with a medical professional in the community. It set me off balance mostly because it was hard to understand how someone could behave in such a manner. Can any of you relate? Did that then give me permission to behave in kind? I didn’t want that so I had to stay very aware of my choices in responses and also how I elected to view the situation.

What situations challenge your character? Is it the rude person in line at the store? Is it your cranky neighbor? Is it your son’s coach? The person who is driving too fast or too slow? How do you choose to react? How do you deal with frustrating situations? And are you willing to help someone when you see a need; to behave in kindness. I know this can be a challenge for many of us and I certainly haven’t been perfect. However, noticing your reactions to people is a worthy endeavor.

Creating good Karma seems like a wonderful idea. Weather you believe in Karma or not the concept of behaving in ways that display the best of you sounds like a good way to go!

What Makes a Good Father?

emotional intelligence
It seems only fair that since I wrote a blog about mothers close to Mother’s Day that I give equal honor to this upcoming Father’s Day. It is interesting what emerged for me as I was pondering on the idea of what a healthy father might be like. I realized that this person I am describing would be rather “new age” if you will, in the sense that I don’t think many of use experienced a father that embraced all these characteristics. But, you may prove me wrong.

If I was going to nutshell what I think would be essential features in a father I would say that he would have at least an above average amount of emotional intelligence. If you haven’t heard this wording it is worth looking it up to gain a better understanding. A father who is more emotionally intelligent is aware of his and others emotions and also able to regulate his emotions in reference to others and situations.

While traditionally many would say a good father is one that provides well for his family; is a hard worker and a good disciplinarian. While these qualities are admirable and fine the child also benefits from a father who is able to be more emotionally present. A dad who can share emotions (and not just anger) with his child is a wonderful gift. A father who is able to honor and comfort the child’s many emotions validates the child.

Following in line with being more emotionally open is being able to verbally and physically express kind, loving words and physical gestures to the child. Hugging often; saying I love you on a regular basis. A father who is consistent and reliable in showing these qualities to not just the child but also to his partner, family and friends is what makes him genuine.

So am I sounding like we need a mother for a father? Segregating different roles to the mother and father is no longer in the best service of the child. Both parents need to own what we have traditionally called feminine or masculine qualities. So, do we all possess this capacity?

Psychologist still debate whether emotional intelligence is something one can learn or if it is strictly a genetic tendency. While I know our innate temperament does affect this ability in each of us, I can’t help but believe that these important qualities can also be learned if so desired by the one lacking them.

In raising three boys I have witnessed the differences that are biologically rooted. I have one boy who is naturally more expressive with his feelings. However, I have seen how the lineage of my children’s father and his father and his father’s father has travelled generationally shaping the boys in this family. It is my hope that more parents will break down the barriers of traditional roles and learn to embrace the whole of their being.

Ways to Cope With Change

change
How well do you cope with change? Do you find it fairly easy; are you at ease with being flexible? I have found that for most people change can be very uncomfortable, difficult and for many it feels intolerable. For those that experience change on the high end of distressful or intolerable life is very hard to manage. These individuals experience change as so threatening that it can disable them from functioning.

I am assuming that at this point in your life you have all learned that change is inevitable. And yet so many of us seem to resist it. And I am not thinking of only change that you perceive as negative. Change, whether positive or negative can still trigger the same feelings. Change indicates that you are moving from something familiar to something new. Change is an unknown; something unexplored. My hope is to give you some ideas on how to tackle the inevitable changes yet to come in ways that make it more bearable for you.

Reflect and remember are great tools to help ease your fear and worry. Reflect on the many changes that have already occurred in your life. Good and bad. Sometimes it helps to write four or five of these experiences down. Then remember the truth; which is that you did survive! The change didn’t swallow you whole. Reflect on ways you coped with those changes that were helpful and ways that you adjusted that you don’t want to repeat. Highlight what was helpful during those previous changes.

It is also helpful during times of change to focus on what aspects of you and your life are secure and not currently changing. For instance, what is unmoving for you may be that you still have the same partner, pet, family members, sport etc. Remind yourself of the constants in your life. This could be non-tangibles like your sense of humor, your faith, your love of nature. It is important to remind yourself of what you do have some control over during these times of transition.

Since change can be taxing on the body both mentally and physically I strongly recommend you attend to these areas. Ways to help ease and comfort the physical and mental include but are not limited to meditation, yoga, prayer, exercise and talking to supportive people about your worries and fears. It is also important to find time to play and have fun. Allowing your body and mind to have a release and rest is imperative in riding the waves of change as smoothly as possible.